Tag Archive | breath

At the Narrows

AS SPIRITUAL AS I GET

At the narrowsTwas at the narrows where my life truly began. That tricky, tortured, desperate spot, that rushing water place where I was bloodily birthed. Where I took my first sustained breath.

Yes, I lived before. I breathed the gas known as air. Been pulled screaming from age to age. Reincarnated over and again, racing pell mell through time. One thing, then the next to hollow me out, scrape me to my core, fill my lungs with junk and sleeze and porn and sadness. And occasional beauty but of the unreal kind.

This time started no different. Who am I to expect anything better? The narrows is an untrusting place where destiny can turn in an instant. A simple disinterested look, better things to do, a glance of rejection will change your course. Self loathing. I should have known. This is no place for me. It is too dangerous, I can’t navigate these choppy waters, this shifting canal. How naïve, how foolish I am to think I can conquer this wild turbulent slide.

I watched in disbelief, feeling my soul rise up and look down on the carnage. There I lay, open, waiting with innocence for transportation to the next realm. Expecting to be welcomed, presuming safe passage. Believing the narrows wanted me. How could that dark exotic place not desire the thrill of my company? Unthinkable. And yet, this portal of trepidation was silent. It craved me not. I might have stayed in the womb forever for all the narrows cared about my deliverance. I sat stunned, unwanted, wishing my next life away. Hoping for death, for miscarriage. Just let me go home. Please, just let me go home.

But as I prepared to slit my throat and drive back to the safety of the static never-changing pool, a miracle of creation occurred. The narrows widened, just slightly. It heaved. It pulled with new found muscles, pushed its cilia and swallowed. Through the treachery, past the vast ocean of regrets, down the cascade of tired resignation and frightened insecurity. Waving me back and forth, inching me along, allowing me finally through.

And I was born once more, this time. Into a revel of love. A journey of joy. First breath.

Drawn to the Living

DREAMS AND MELANCHOLY
With solemn cast
I peer through the watery wall
To a salty fragrant domain
In the deep
It’s beyond me
That future realm inside

I am out

I exist in the shallows
Not in the bounds
I am out
Wanting that place
Hoping to be taken in
That new life
That searching embrace
Anxious
Waiting for the path to clear

I long to make my way

Past the brick barrier reef
Through the plated sea glass
Counting, marking
Half expecting to drown
Battling the sting rays of doubt
Those faithless visionless creatures
Which patrol
The hungers of the mind
With the power to quash
All anticipation
All love-fed springs of hope

With dread

I wait for my turn to pass
Drawn to the living
Breathe in, breathe out
Calm
Hold
Water realm
Salt world
Beckons
Pulls
Take me now